Breakup Magic
by NevilleCanKickMattLewis'Butt
Summary: A random story about WHY DID HARRY AND GINNY BREAK UP? WHAT DID THEY HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH? IT MAKES NO SENSE! Rated K plus for cartoon violence and playful murder.


Breakup Magic

**Disclaimer: I do not own.**

"Hmm," said Voldemort as he sat in his huge fancy chair that made him feel special. "I sure would like to kill Harry Potter. But he's unstoppable. I wish I could know what his weakness is."

"What about the mental link, my Lord?" Bellatrix said as she brought him some tea with lemon on a silver platter.

"What about it? Thank you," he added, taking the delicious tea. It was his favorite flavor (Muggle tears). Voldemort sipped the tea. He choked. It was completely lemony and sour. It made his face pucker up. There was just a dash of sweetness, as if someone had accidently spilled a dash of sugar into the otherwise painfully sour and bitter tea. "This tastes terrible!" he scolded Bellatrix. "It's not sour enough! I can almost taste some sugar in it! You know I despise sweet things!"

"I'm sorry, my Lord. Wormtail prepared it."

Wormtail glanced up from the corner, where he had been sobbing and brooding, looking indignant. "I did not! I was here the whole-" his protest dissolved into screams as Voldemort crucioed him.

"That will teach you to ruin my delicious Muggle-tear tea," Voldemort said. "Now Bellatrix, you were saying something about lentil minks? Or was it metal leaks…"

"Your mental link, my Lord. With Harry Potter."

"What about it?"

"Well, my Lord, you can use it to find out his weakness."

The Dark Lord threw his arms out in delight. The teacup flew out of his hand, hit Wormtail in the head and shattered, causing Wormtail to drop to the floor. "My dear Bellatrix, that's absolutely brilliant!"

Bellatrix blushed coyly. "Thank you, my Lord."

Voldemort settled into his special chair – which was really quite comfy – and dramatically pressed his long, spindly, freakishly long fingers to his forehead. "Everyone be quiet! I am going to try to delve into Harry Potter's mind!"

Everyone in the room became absolutely silent, except for one Death Eater who kept whispering to his neighbor about an awesome new sweater that he bought the other day. Voldemort killed them both. Then it was quiet, just the way he liked it.

Voldemort closed his eyes and scrunched up his face and concentrated his very hardest. Voldemort reminded himself that Harry's mind was very complex, and he shouldn't be disappointed if it took several minutes or even hours to find an exploitable weakness. Then, with his cool Legilimency powers, he looked into Harry Potter's brain.

_Boy, I sure do love Ginny Weasley. She is so beautiful and sexy. I love sexy Ginny kisses. Ginny, Ginny, Ginny. Boy, I hope nothing bad happens to Ginny. If I had to choose between saving the world and saving Ginny, I would totally choose Ginny. Ginny is so wonderful and beautiful._

Voldemort opened his eyes and smiled triumphantly. "It took all my effort to dig it out of his brain," he told his Death Eaters, "but I discovered something we can use: _Ginny Weasley._"

The Death Eaters all cheered and started to chant, "Let's get Ginny! Then we can winny! Let's get Ginny! Then we can winny!"

The only one that wasn't happy was Bellatrix. (Oh, and Wormtail, who had just woken up from a teacup-induced unconsciousness, but nobody cares about him.) "Wait! WAIT!" Bellatrix cried. Everyone stopped and looked at her. Bellatrix turned to Voldemort. "I'm sorry, my Lord, but I heard a rumor that Harry and Ginny… broke up."

The room became filled with gasps and disappointed murmurs. Everyone put there sad faces on.

"Wait, what?" said Wormtail. "I'm confused. What's so bad about that?"

"FOOL!" Voldemort cried, Crucio-ing him. "Everyone knows that break-ups are one of the most powerful magics. It's a great magical law that you can't use someone's ex as a bargaining chip. I have tampered with a great many sorcerous boundaries, but I dare not touch this ancient and unalterable law." He hung his head dejectedly. "Break-ups – they're yet another great power that I do not have access to, for nobody would ever date me in the first place."

"Don't say that, my Lord," Bellatrix crooned.

Voldemort eyed her suspiciously. "Go on, then. Name _one person_ who would date me."

Bellatrix blushed. "Well, uh," she said, flustered.

"Exactly."


End file.
